I was born to parents who didn’t love me and who didn’t want me and I started paying the price the day I was born.
My mother was married to a pedophile. A rapist. He molested and abused her first child, another daughter who is nine years older than me. So by the time I could remember my sister, she was gone. I have very few memories of her and the ones I do have remind me of how lucky I was to get out of that toxic family.
I was an accident. I was not planned and not wanted and to make matters worse, my Mother had given birth to another girl. Instead of being full of love for her new born bundle of joy, she had nothing but hate for me.
Through no fault of my own, she once again had competition. The man she called her husband and my Daddy, would soon spend all his time at home with me…his little baby girl.
Now I must admit that there must be nothing worse for a woman to learn that she has married a Sex Offender. One thing I know for sure is that my Mother knew by the time that I was born, that my father was raping and sexually assaulting women and children.
Now my Mother lived in a small town with most of her brothers and sisters, and they were married and had families of their own. However, there was rarely a visitor that knocked on our door and if they did knock, they were never allowed in.
If my Mother had had any shred of decency left in her she would have got herself and her children out of that house and not let another child suffer at the hands of the animal she married.
However decency and love had left this house long ago. If my father was found out she would be implicated and she could not have that.
So my Mother came up with a master strategy. She joined in.
My father would rape me, day in and day out, and when he was at work, and if I wasn’t at school, she tortured me, belted me, broke my arm, drove needles and pins in me, kicked me, spat on me…and so that became my daily life.
I was her personal punching bag and she had a lot of anger in her just waiting to get out! She also weighed approximately 350 pounds, so she was no lightweight dealing out her punishments!
So what does the love of a Mother feel like?
I am afraid I can’t tell you that as I don’t know…but I know for sure what if feels like when a mother doesn’t love you. I am an expert.
Now if your own Mother can’t love you, then there must be something wrong with you right? After all, if your own Mother can’t love you, how will anybody else? I believed that nothing I could ever do would ever be good enough, for Mummy didn’t approve of anything I did.
So I ended up growing up with no love, no encouragement, no support, and a slave to my parents in the worst ways imaginable.
However the light came on for me, not so long ago.
My parents didn’t love me. I wasn’t the apple of their eye. I was the victim of their sad miserable excuses for a life. My parents were Narcissistic Monsters and they both died Narcissistic Monsters. When they died, nobody cared. No tears were shed.
It was as if they never existed…but I still exist. I told myself growing up that whatever I did in this world, if I did the total opposite to what they did, I would be alright. Today I have battle scars and mind scars, but I am still here and hurting nobody.
Despite their best efforts and a world that turned its back on me and swept this kind of thing under the carpet, I am still here.
I am not going anywhere, or shutting up, because you and I matter, and together we shine a light on all abuse done on women and girls, boys and men.
Sexual and physical torture is not acceptable in any way shape or form!
We must keep holding monsters accountable for their evil deeds. Victims need to be supported and listened to when they speak up. We have ignored victims in the past. We as a society have to be brave and tackle these monsters with the only thing that will keep them of the streets. Jail time.
Have you heard the old story of the farmer who shoots the fox who kept on breaking into his hen house, time after time, and eating all his chickens? Well what do we do as a society to our human predators? We either give them a warning or give them parole!
If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Stand up with me. Stand tall and stand proud. If I can you can! Believe me I am no hero. I just want you to know you are not alone. I feel your pain. I can’t stop your pain but I can send you the most heartfelt love…and just like me, keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Be kind to yourself,
Love Big Fat Dee